Texts From Last Night · Moabshmoof's Favorites

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo

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(330): View more from Ohio

She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.

(856): View more from New Jersey

Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits

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(315): View more from New York

What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?

(414): View more from Wisconsin

Its 11 o'clock somewhere

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(901): View more from Tennessee

No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism

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(707): View more from California

I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.

(1-707): View more from California

is that even a sentence?

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(812): View more from Indiana

according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.

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(513): View more from Ohio

This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"

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(618): View more from Illinois

No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.

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(317): View more from Indiana

she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...

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(573): View more from Missouri

Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers

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(407): View more from Florida

sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.

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(407): View more from Florida

I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"

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(907): View more from Alaska

frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better

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(631): View more from New York

lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon

(1-631): View more from New York

wow.

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(619): View more from California

Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..

(1-619): View more from California

I am not bailing you of of jail

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(260): View more from Indiana

So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes

(1-260): View more from Indiana

Are your eyes okay

(260): View more from Indiana

I mean if I was Asian they would be

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(801): View more from Utah

he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.

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(207): View more from Maine

you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...

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(248): View more from Michigan

i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech

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(316): View more from Kansas

The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.

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(309): View more from Illinois

I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.

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(404): View more from Georgia

We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.

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(980): View more from North Carolina

when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites

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(894): View more from

just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit

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(404): View more from Georgia

YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!

(678): View more from Georgia

correction: escorted out

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(614): View more from Ohio

I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.

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(951): View more from California

At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?

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(808): View more from Hawaii

you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech

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(907): View more from Alaska

I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.

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(207): View more from Maine

Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

OMG THAT WAS YOU?!

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine

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(404): View more from Georgia

We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...

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(843): View more from South Carolina

She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.

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(702): View more from Nevada

No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.

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(646): View more from New York

I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.

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(417): View more from Missouri

He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.

(1-417): View more from Missouri

I love foreign exchange students.

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(631): View more from New York

He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.

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(314): View more from Missouri

hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?

(636): View more from Missouri

Yup.

(314): View more from Missouri

Yup.

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(305): View more from Florida

i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm home now. bring me food and boobies

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(614): View more from Ohio

Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.

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(937): View more from Ohio

[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]

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(802): View more from Vermont

i can juggle bunnies

(1-802): View more from Vermont

cool

(802): View more from Vermont

on fire

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?

(1-630): View more from Illinois

Are you high?

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(816): View more from Missouri

He's been sleeping iwht ***

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Nooo

(816): View more from Missouri

Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb

(816): View more from Missouri

And then hit her in the face with a shovel

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING

(617): View more from Massachusetts

you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost

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(708): View more from Illinois

I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.

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(903): View more from Texas

He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...

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(240): View more from Maryland

Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?

(732): View more from New Jersey

like it was yesterday

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever

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(330): View more from Ohio

just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.

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(206): View more from Washington

I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.

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(907): View more from Alaska

everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.

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(253): View more from Washington

The pine trees are waving at me.

(907): View more from Alaska

Put the pipe down honey.

(253): View more from Washington

Hi trees.

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(415): View more from California

Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...

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(303): View more from Colorado

Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever

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(614): View more from Ohio

so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

(740): View more from Ohio

i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

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(216): View more from Ohio

fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding

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(858): View more from California

you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened

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(207): View more from Maine

things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face

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(614): View more from Ohio

Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?

(410): View more from Maryland

Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls

(763): View more from Minnesota

is that a poem?!

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I feel like death. Did you die last night?

(305): View more from Florida

Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!

(859): View more from Kentucky

unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus

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(203): View more from Connecticut

wake up i wanna do it froggy style

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(513): View more from Ohio

And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.

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(917): View more from New York City

He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.

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(44): View more from England

What's everyones problem with my costume?!

(1-44): View more from England

It looks like a unicorn came on your face.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.

(1-250): View more from British Columbia

I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.

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(813): View more from Florida

so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol

(1-813): View more from Florida

well its been awhile since I've surfed

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(714): View more from California

so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)

(1-714): View more from California

i'm so jealous of you right now.

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(951): View more from California

All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.

(1-615): View more from Tennessee

Anal.

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(443): View more from Maryland

We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.

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(435): View more from Utah

this will be a night to untag.

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(206): View more from Washington

My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.

(415): View more from California

Why?

(206): View more from Washington

Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.

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(516): View more from New York

the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY

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(334): View more from Alabama

He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?

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(478): View more from Georgia

wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours

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(503): View more from Oregon

I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Why am I even shocked you're doing this....

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(352): View more from Florida

Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.

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(416): View more from Toronto

He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n

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(703): View more from Virginia

We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.

(540): View more from Virginia

You guys make me sad

(703): View more from Virginia

You misspelled jealous there

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(310): View more from California

I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too

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(303): View more from Colorado

She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.

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(757): View more from Virginia

i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work

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(609): View more from New Jersey

shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.

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(804): View more from Virginia

...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "

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(330): View more from Ohio

Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."

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(916): View more from California

I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...

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(703): View more from Virginia

I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?

(571): View more from Virginia

Fuck you.

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(858): View more from California

God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext

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(515): View more from Iowa

I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?

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(519): View more from Ontario

my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.

(1-519): View more from Ontario

You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.

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(631): View more from New York

I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.

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(561): View more from Florida

Bad news is he broke up with me via text message

(561): View more from Florida

But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville

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(850): View more from Florida

She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.

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(281): View more from Texas

She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Umm you met him three days ago....

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I said what I said

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

there were a lot.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

someone was throwing condoms at us.

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

no, they just magically show up around you.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph

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(404): View more from Georgia

His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.

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(256): View more from Alabama

i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

dude how high are you right now?

(256): View more from Alabama

do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.

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(716): View more from New York

Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.

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(207): View more from Maine

Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices

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(303): View more from Colorado

I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on

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(678): View more from Georgia

Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?

(1-678): View more from Georgia

630.

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(216): View more from Ohio

I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan

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(515): View more from Iowa

theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass

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(732): View more from New Jersey

she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love

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(925): View more from California

She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.

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(805): View more from California

He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here

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(540): View more from Virginia

Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.

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(251): View more from Alabama

As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.

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(718): View more from New York

Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.

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(810): View more from Michigan

According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.

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(607): View more from New York

Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i have to get rid of the hedgehog.

(765): View more from Indiana

Does it come with a cage?

(201): View more from New Jersey

yes. and food and toys.

(765): View more from Indiana

i'll trade you an 8th for it

(201): View more from New Jersey

deal.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.

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(815): View more from Illinois

there was naked duck duck goose

(703): View more from Virginia

how does that even get suggested?!

(815): View more from Illinois

after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal

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(480): View more from Arizona

Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?

(774): View more from Massachusetts

Someone just got laid.

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(802): View more from Vermont

his penis is PERFECT

(802): View more from Vermont

I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm

(802): View more from Vermont

or knit it little hat

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(206): View more from Washington

I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians

(503): View more from Oregon

How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?

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(303): View more from Colorado

theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...

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(818): View more from California

remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,

(702): View more from Nevada

Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.

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(647): View more from Ontario

hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair

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(732): View more from New Jersey

the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.

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(848): View more from New Jersey

a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE

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(313): View more from Michigan

i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.

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(+26): View more from

Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY

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(720): View more from Colorado

Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.

(970): View more from Colorado

I'm that good.

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(716): View more from New York

she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"

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(763): View more from Minnesota

The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.

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(303): View more from Colorado

She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.

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(831): View more from California

she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?

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(754): View more from Florida

He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?

(954): View more from Florida

In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?

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(512): View more from Texas

Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.

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(630): View more from Illinois

slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed

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(217): View more from Illinois

The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.

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(720): View more from Colorado

At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course

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(718): View more from New York

I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.

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(352): View more from Florida

Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.

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(512): View more from Texas

i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.

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(718): View more from New York

at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.

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(360): View more from Washington

He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.

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(407): View more from Florida

What's he like?

(954): View more from Florida

The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.

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(620): View more from Kansas

It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"

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(303): View more from Colorado

This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.

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(712): View more from Iowa

Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.

(714): View more from California

Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."

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(970): View more from Colorado

Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.

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(785): View more from Kansas

I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.

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(661): View more from California

aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet

(623): View more from Arizona

And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs

(661): View more from California

Exactly.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.

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(913): View more from Kansas

sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her

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(360): View more from Washington

I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.

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(989): View more from Michigan

It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.

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(256): View more from Alabama

she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...

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(636): View more from Missouri

I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.

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(949): View more from California

I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.

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(224): View more from Illinois

so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.

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(409): View more from Texas

We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus

(1-409): View more from Texas

How are you texting me from 1998?

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(650): View more from California

so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.

(1-650): View more from California

did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?

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(312): View more from Illinois

Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.

(1-312): View more from Illinois

None of that is ok.

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(352): View more from Florida

Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.

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(240): View more from Maryland

He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.

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(903): View more from Texas

omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.

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(631): View more from New York

I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...

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(612): View more from Minnesota

No subtext here. People are naked.

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(206): View more from Washington

He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look

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(517): View more from Michigan

this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year

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(207): View more from Maine

dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat

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(831): View more from California

Don't EVER smell your tampon

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy

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(303): View more from Colorado

Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.

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(760): View more from California

I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.

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(315): View more from New York

So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.

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(972): View more from Texas

They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.

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(817): View more from Texas

just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child

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(940): View more from Texas

nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that

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(908): View more from New Jersey

fireball beer pong. youre missing out

(732): View more from New Jersey

how is that even possible?

(908): View more from New Jersey

ove gloves.

(732): View more from New Jersey

be there in ten.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.

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(586): View more from Michigan

Porn is love you can see.

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(310): View more from California

If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?

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(949): View more from California

Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.

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(240): View more from Maryland

I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this

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(913): View more from Kansas

Let's make jello shots for tomorrow

(1-913): View more from Kansas

What's going on tomorrow?

(913): View more from Kansas

Nothing, it's Wednesday

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.

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(305): View more from Florida

Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.

(786): View more from Florida

How high are you right now..

(305): View more from Florida

I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.

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(813): View more from Florida

We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?

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(510): View more from California

He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.

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(432): View more from Texas

He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"

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(308): View more from Nebraska

whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee

(1-440): View more from Ohio

please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation

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(415): View more from California

There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.

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(817): View more from Texas

Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.

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(585): View more from New York

I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.

(1-585): View more from New York

You are so irish.

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(760): View more from California

so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?

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(905): View more from Ontario

gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way

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(727): View more from Florida

I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

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(336): View more from North Carolina

do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?

(828): View more from North Carolina

how high are you?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night

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(815): View more from Illinois

should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?

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(704): View more from North Carolina

she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"

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(440): View more from Ohio

So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.

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(914): View more from New York

i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.

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(207): View more from Maine

i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea

(1-207): View more from Maine

probs a good idea

(207): View more from Maine

i like the whole idea of life and being alive

(1-207): View more from Maine

you sure you're not high?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick

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(928): View more from Arizona

Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

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(864): View more from South Carolina

If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.

(828): View more from North Carolina

Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner

(864): View more from South Carolina

Previous statement retracted.

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(415): View more from California

If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.

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(928): View more from Arizona

She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.

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(702): View more from Nevada

His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.

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(319): View more from Iowa

you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met

(1-319): View more from Iowa

thanks it was an honor just to be nominated

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(443): View more from Maryland

I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave

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(908): View more from New Jersey

it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.

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(214): View more from Texas

Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious

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(804): View more from Virginia

Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.

(571): View more from Virginia

was that a mass text??

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(707): View more from California

Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.

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(631): View more from New York

if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.

(571): View more from Virginia

define virginity.

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(408): View more from California

I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?

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(480): View more from Arizona

YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST

(602): View more from Arizona

I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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(954): View more from Florida

hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.

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(571): View more from Virginia

You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?

(703): View more from Virginia

I don't even know what potassium is.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Please get laid.

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(239): View more from Florida

When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.

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