Texts From Last Night · Neer's Favorites

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Neer's Favorites Texts:

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(317): View more from Indiana

I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.

(260): View more from Indiana

He probs deserved it.

(317): View more from Indiana

Every good man does.

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(312): View more from Illinois

i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it

(917): View more from New York City

the suitcase or the dildo?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.

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(914): View more from New York

Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.

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(914): View more from New York

Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.

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(914): View more from New York

Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.

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(914): View more from New York

He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF

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(914): View more from New York

He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.

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(801): View more from Utah

Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas

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(540): View more from Virginia

I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick

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(818): View more from California

No...this little piggys going to the bar

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3

(906): View more from Michigan

Omg sara

(920): View more from Wisconsin

I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty

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(907): View more from Alaska

She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music

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(404): View more from Georgia

she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club

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(315): View more from New York

Just drove past the dude that came in your sock

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(310): View more from California

Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...

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(863): View more from Florida

oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover

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(818): View more from California

My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club

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(248): View more from Michigan

Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup

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(914): View more from New York

Oh god. Standing was a rash decision

(847): View more from Illinois

I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...

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(530): View more from California

You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.

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(503): View more from Oregon

we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.

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(206): View more from Washington

He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.

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(914): View more from New York

We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.

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(519): View more from Ontario

There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge

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(732): View more from New Jersey

That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball

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(619): View more from California

I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix

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(678): View more from Georgia

I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...

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(253): View more from Washington

He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.

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(410): View more from Maryland

So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?

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(925): View more from California

I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.

(415): View more from California

I still don't know how you've lived this long.

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(817): View more from Texas

Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.

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(718): View more from New York

bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

(917): View more from New York City

I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

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(646): View more from New York

I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES

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(281): View more from Texas

Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.

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(360): View more from Washington

Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...

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(856): View more from New Jersey

I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?

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(281): View more from Texas

Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno

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(415): View more from California

So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.

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(210): View more from Texas

And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that

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(317): View more from Indiana

You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy

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(619): View more from California

Be still, my beating vagina.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.

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(520): View more from Arizona

hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

my head hurts. i need an adult

(225): View more from Louisiana

and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult

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(803): View more from South Carolina

The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.

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(512): View more from Texas

Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on

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(248): View more from Michigan

New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.

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(419): View more from Ohio

He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..

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(786): View more from Florida

If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok

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(216): View more from Ohio

Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.

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(805): View more from California

I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.

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(903): View more from Texas

He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...

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(541): View more from Oregon

im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more

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(402): View more from Nebraska

On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.

(402): View more from Nebraska

Update, its a couple

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(847): View more from Illinois

he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?

(952): View more from Minnesota

You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....

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(708): View more from Illinois

We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance

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(512): View more from Texas

he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white

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(573): View more from Missouri

i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house

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(219): View more from Indiana

i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before

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(206): View more from Washington

And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table

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(469): View more from Texas

Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.

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(585): View more from New York

Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered

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(219): View more from Indiana

Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa

(708): View more from Illinois

Oh Jesus.

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(706): View more from Georgia

they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.

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(248): View more from Michigan

She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..

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(615): View more from Tennessee

is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?

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(847): View more from Illinois

I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on

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(310): View more from California

Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor

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(250): View more from British Columbia

SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.

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(302): View more from Delaware

He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".

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(541): View more from Oregon

When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back

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(443): View more from Maryland

We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....

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(410): View more from Maryland

can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

(443): View more from Maryland

wasted?

(410): View more from Maryland

im pocohantasssss

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(440): View more from Ohio

The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

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(443): View more from Maryland

I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex

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(440): View more from Ohio

Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.

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(805): View more from California

It's like a toaster oven for my penis

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.

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(309): View more from Illinois

Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?

(1-309): View more from Illinois

I decided to mark my territory.

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(760): View more from California

i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.

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(281): View more from Texas

He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men

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(516): View more from New York

It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.

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(727): View more from Florida

I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.

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(954): View more from Florida

Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.

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(703): View more from Virginia

you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.

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(631): View more from New York

woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?

(516): View more from New York

you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."

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(773): View more from Illinois

Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself

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(301): View more from Maryland

FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.

(727): View more from Florida

MAS TEQUILA.

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(214): View more from Texas

I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.

(443): View more from Maryland

hey man, it was for science okay.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus

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(406): View more from Montana

She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial

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(630): View more from Illinois

Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.

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(847): View more from Illinois

So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.

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(303): View more from Colorado

The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Get your penis over here NOW. emergency

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(310): View more from California

You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.

(904): View more from Florida

FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year

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(858): View more from California

you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"

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(310): View more from California

i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."

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(949): View more from California

Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

(1-949): View more from California

are you seriously doing this over text message

(949): View more from California

hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

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(512): View more from Texas

Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

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(301): View more from Maryland

There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting

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(309): View more from Illinois

We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'

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(419): View more from Ohio

I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.

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(305): View more from Florida

One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.

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(530): View more from California

I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP

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(559): View more from California

We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying

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(914): View more from New York

He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

We're going to catch a squirrel this summer

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(804): View more from Virginia

I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for

(804): View more from Virginia

Oh my god she just threw up on her dog

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(616): View more from Michigan

EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.

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(206): View more from Washington

But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.

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(360): View more from Washington

do we own a ladder

(206): View more from Washington

We do not.

(360): View more from Washington

then how am i on the roof

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life

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(352): View more from Florida

I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...

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(706): View more from Georgia

I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?

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(313): View more from Michigan

I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me

(1-313): View more from Michigan

restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.

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(540): View more from Virginia

If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."

(1-201): View more from New Jersey

youre welcome

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.

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(845): View more from New York

Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.

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(954): View more from Florida

These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.

(1-954): View more from Florida

Marco

(954): View more from Florida

Polo

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(850): View more from Florida

I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.

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(616): View more from Michigan

My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break

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(605): View more from South Dakota

dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.

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(567): View more from Ohio

Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night

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(573): View more from Missouri

You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?

(636): View more from Missouri

anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence

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(905): View more from Toronto

he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"

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(565): View more from

He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night

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(843): View more from South Carolina

happy early fathers day!!!

(829): View more from Dominican Rep

im not a father

(843): View more from South Carolina

about that...

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(404): View more from Georgia

Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.

(1-404): View more from Georgia

Two?

(404): View more from Georgia

Two.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.

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(305): View more from Florida

Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.

(1-305): View more from Florida

God Bless cinco de mayo

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up

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(248): View more from Michigan

I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know

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(602): View more from Arizona

you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.

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(512): View more from Texas

I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.

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(757): View more from Virginia

SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?

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(712): View more from Iowa

I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight

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(512): View more from Texas

I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.

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(214): View more from Texas

does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??

(817): View more from Texas

dude, everything can mix, this is college.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??

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(281): View more from Texas

I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts

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(901): View more from Tennessee

He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.

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(519): View more from Ontario

We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage

(608): View more from Wisconsin

HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES

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(334): View more from Alabama

seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.

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(916): View more from California

Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties

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(703): View more from Virginia

I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM

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(972): View more from Texas

we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry

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(714): View more from California

i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo

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(919): View more from North Carolina

It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.

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(850): View more from Florida

She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next

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(304): View more from West Virginia

What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?

(859): View more from Kentucky

i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."

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(510): View more from California

turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

my mouth tastes like poor choices

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.

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(217): View more from Illinois

So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america

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(972): View more from Texas

some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in

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(406): View more from Montana

I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina

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(773): View more from Illinois

WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.

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(310): View more from California

He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.

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(416): View more from Toronto

juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.

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(708): View more from Illinois

We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."

(1-708): View more from Illinois

Let's do it. All homo

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(801): View more from Utah

You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.

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(214): View more from Texas

I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.

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(708): View more from Illinois

He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk

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(619): View more from California

By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue

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(845): View more from New York

if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party

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(519): View more from Ontario

was it more than 30 minutes?

(416): View more from Ontario

ya

(519): View more from Ontario

then you're in a relationship

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(207): View more from Maine

Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.

(512): View more from Texas

That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?

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(314): View more from Missouri

Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?

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(416): View more from Toronto

I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?

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(231): View more from Michigan

My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Can we agree to not tell mom about this?

(303): View more from Colorado

This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.

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(718): View more from New York

Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...

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(623): View more from Arizona

Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.

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(817): View more from Texas

You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.

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(804): View more from Virginia

He likes Jesus. Game over.

(804): View more from Virginia

Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

this is a time for prayers...seriously

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.

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(801): View more from Utah

Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.

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(406): View more from Montana

As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.

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(802): View more from Vermont

you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.

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(813): View more from Florida

She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.

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(212): View more from New York

You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?

(475): View more from Connecticut

Yeah?

(212): View more from New York

Stuck it in his pooper.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could

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(847): View more from Illinois

Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.

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(513): View more from Ohio

You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

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(845): View more from New York

Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.

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(917): View more from New York City

I am lonely and I want to touch your beard

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(513): View more from Ohio

why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position

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(540): View more from Virginia

he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride

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(701): View more from North Dakota

She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.

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(928): View more from Arizona

Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

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(716): View more from New York

I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.

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(347): View more from New York

in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

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(214): View more from Texas

Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man

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(407): View more from Florida

Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers

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(845): View more from New York

You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"

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(630): View more from Illinois

I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.

(720): View more from Colorado

When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?

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(858): View more from California

WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.

(760): View more from California

You're High aren't you?

(858): View more from California

Sooooo high

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(313): View more from Michigan

I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.

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(907): View more from Alaska

This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.

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(801): View more from Utah

If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke

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(513): View more from Ohio

Lets just say I chased with a burrito.

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(804): View more from Virginia

We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.

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(813): View more from Florida

If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity

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(423): View more from Tennessee

animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful

(1-423): View more from Tennessee

breakfast of champions

(423): View more from Tennessee

breakfast of stoners

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(440): View more from Ohio

Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now

(440): View more from Ohio

Ps I am

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(714): View more from California

She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?

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(360): View more from Washington

Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.

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(419): View more from Ohio

He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown

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(931): View more from Tennessee

I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here

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(515): View more from Iowa

Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?

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(716): View more from New York

I'm eating all of the evidence.

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(214): View more from Texas

Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me

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(509): View more from Washington

I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.

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(310): View more from California

Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub

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(845): View more from New York

Make me a sandwich

(301): View more from Maryland

The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"

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(775): View more from Nevada

No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.

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(419): View more from Ohio

we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit

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(206): View more from Washington

Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.

(1-810): View more from Michigan

I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.

(1-413): View more from Massachusetts

Ooooh. Get funfetti

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(406): View more from Montana

All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off

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(502): View more from Kentucky

You dont lie about slip and slides

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(512): View more from Texas

I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.

(512): View more from Texas

I won

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(480): View more from Arizona

In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.

(1-832): View more from Houston, Texas

Totally acceptable.

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(276): View more from Virginia

your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.

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(361): View more from Texas

There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?

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(303): View more from Colorado

nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ

(1-303): View more from Colorado

he is risen halelujah

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(812): View more from Indiana

I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.

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(914): View more from New York

He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List

(914): View more from New York

Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)

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(240): View more from Maryland

She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...

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(727): View more from Florida

No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week

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(301): View more from Maryland

sorry

(304): View more from West Virginia

why?

(301): View more from Maryland

oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?

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(602): View more from Arizona

dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.

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(207): View more from Maine

you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom

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(229): View more from Georgia

Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad

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(518): View more from New York

All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss

(301): View more from Maryland

OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?

(518): View more from New York

Doritoesssssss

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom

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(419): View more from Ohio

WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.

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(513): View more from Ohio

trapped on the roof of the strip club. help

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(44): View more from United Kingdom

You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

you were grabbing cocks left and right

(808): View more from Hawaii

you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"

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(817): View more from Texas

It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.

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(469): View more from Texas

I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!

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(650): View more from California

We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.

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(626): View more from California

We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.

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(954): View more from Florida

woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student

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(845): View more from New York

just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.

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(289): View more from Ontario

If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose

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(443): View more from Maryland

dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car

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(616): View more from Michigan

Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.

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(720): View more from Colorado

You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.

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(425): View more from Washington

What goes on in that head of yours?

(206): View more from Washington

Gay sex, for the most part. Why?

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(416): View more from Toronto

Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?

(613): View more from Ontario

you're kidding right?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face

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(925): View more from California

you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left

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(260): View more from Indiana

the scent of your tears make me crave pizza

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(850): View more from Florida

Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.

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(510): View more from California

He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.

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(407): View more from Florida

I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.

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(516): View more from New York

Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars

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(314): View more from Missouri

Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.

(314): View more from Missouri

Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured

(617): View more from Massachusetts

I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed

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(910): View more from North Carolina

The strip club called, they have your shoe.

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(770): View more from Georgia

finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs

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(706): View more from Georgia

I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.

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(540): View more from Virginia

AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA

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(701): View more from North Dakota

it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good

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(248): View more from Michigan

Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.

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(269): View more from Michigan

Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."

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(618): View more from Illinois

So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"

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(916): View more from California

this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.

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(530): View more from California

I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite

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(913): View more from Kansas

He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.

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(317): View more from Indiana

disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Lube is flammable

(404): View more from Georgia

Who is this??

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I will give you all my nachos to make this happen

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(623): View more from Arizona

Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer

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(585): View more from New York

I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital

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(512): View more from Texas

I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.

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(916): View more from California

I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.

(1-916): View more from California

Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.

(803): View more from South Carolina

Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.

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(509): View more from Washington

HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS

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(520): View more from Arizona

Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.

(1-520): View more from Arizona

I can pencil you in at 3:30

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(425): View more from Washington

It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.

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(858): View more from California

I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake

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(623): View more from Arizona

Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts

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(802): View more from Vermont

I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.

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(757): View more from Virginia

He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.

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(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.

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(407): View more from Florida

i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

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(818): View more from California

remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,

(702): View more from Nevada

Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.

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(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters

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(619): View more from California

I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit

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(310): View more from California

I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted

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(802): View more from Vermont

You want anything?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Gatorade and you naked.

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(813): View more from Florida

Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries

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(330): View more from Ohio

Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

My vibrator challenges you to a duel.

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(989): View more from Michigan

Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

other than the jail part I had a really good time with you

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(315): View more from New York

idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me

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(407): View more from Florida

I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.

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(530): View more from California

Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I love you more with every blowjob.

(1-202): View more from Washington, DC

You should write for Hallmark.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night

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(916): View more from California

Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream

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(214): View more from Texas

I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me

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(573): View more from Missouri

He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.

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(517): View more from Michigan

the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.

(1-517): View more from Michigan

fuck our hall.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit

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(478): View more from Georgia

Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.

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(518): View more from New York

HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language

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(847): View more from Illinois

Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding

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(310): View more from California

Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.

(310): View more from California

Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.

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(845): View more from New York

Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.

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(303): View more from Colorado

This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one

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(757): View more from Virginia

I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.

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(906): View more from Michigan

Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow

(248): View more from Michigan

Perfect. Like where your heads at

(906): View more from Michigan

By relax I mean have sex

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Are you alive?

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.

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(206): View more from Washington

She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient

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(807): View more from Ontario

Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath

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(845): View more from New York

finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!

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(810): View more from Michigan

Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.

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(512): View more from Texas

You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick

(305): View more from Florida

I am very proud of your internet skills

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.

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(205): View more from Alabama

...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.

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(440): View more from Ohio

While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct

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(586): View more from Michigan

My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.

(651): View more from Minnesota

Looks like I won that one

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