Texts From Last Night · Reikage

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Reikage_Sanshi's Favorites Texts:

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(714): View more from California

Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome

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(316): View more from Kansas

Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.

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(516): View more from New York

I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"

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(516): View more from New York

sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.

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(516): View more from New York

Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.

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(518): View more from New York

I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.

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(406): View more from Montana

Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.

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(406): View more from Montana

sick fucks of a feather flock together

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(302): View more from Delaware

She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.

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(541): View more from Oregon

bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?

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(212): View more from New York

I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.

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(361): View more from Texas

Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?

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(972): View more from Texas

Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.

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(765): View more from Indiana

is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?

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(808): View more from Hawaii

To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.

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(+61): View more from Australia

And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?

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(562): View more from California

WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.

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(518): View more from New York

It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.

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(706): View more from Georgia

He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?

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(516): View more from New York

You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.

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(513): View more from Ohio

She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.

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(407): View more from Florida

I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that

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(519): View more from Ontario

ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.

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(440): View more from Ohio

vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?

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(650): View more from California

Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp

(1-650): View more from California

i loe djcudia fjxos rue.

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(817): View more from Texas

I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .

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(609): View more from New Jersey

it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores

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(516): View more from New York

I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.

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(415): View more from California

I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?

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(541): View more from Oregon

Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.

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(214): View more from Texas

So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.

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(607): View more from New York

He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already

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(503): View more from Oregon

This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.

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(213): View more from California

just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week

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(207): View more from Maine

I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet

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(936): View more from Texas

the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"

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(503): View more from Oregon

gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.

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(805): View more from California

he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.

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(253): View more from Washington

These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency

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(210): View more from Texas

OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.

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(816): View more from Missouri

He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock

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(530): View more from California

The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.

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(256): View more from Alabama

do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!

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(954): View more from Florida

I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"

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(407): View more from Florida

i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

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(325): View more from Texas

wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"

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(310): View more from California

ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

happy early fathers day!!!

(829): View more from Dominican Rep

im not a father

(843): View more from South Carolina

about that...

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.

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(812): View more from Indiana

there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.

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(240): View more from Maryland

We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.

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(415): View more from California

Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in

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(941): View more from Florida

i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.

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(205): View more from Alabama

the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.

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(585): View more from New York

i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.

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(480): View more from Arizona

i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!

(218): View more from Minnesota

I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.

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(309): View more from Illinois

I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.

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(207): View more from Maine

So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i'm never eating chinese again.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.

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(214): View more from Texas

You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...

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(716): View more from New York

Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.

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(817): View more from Texas

He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"

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(416): View more from Toronto

I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.

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(816): View more from Missouri

you were mass sexting so we took your phone away

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(904): View more from Florida

I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.

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(620): View more from Kansas

Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?

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(434): View more from Virginia

He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"

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(516): View more from New York

my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?

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(917): View more from New York City

i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.

(516): View more from New York

was the water running?

(917): View more from New York City

yeah but he said he knows how to swim

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(516): View more from New York

you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.

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(516): View more from New York

His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.

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(509): View more from Washington

woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.

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(317): View more from Indiana

The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic

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(760): View more from California

I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart

(508): View more from Massachusetts

These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work

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(904): View more from Florida

There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?

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(512): View more from Texas

Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I cannot find my penis.

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(818): View more from California

I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.

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(516): View more from New York

onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?

(443): View more from Maryland

he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?

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(614): View more from Ohio

My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex

(1-614): View more from Ohio

You and your mom would make an amazing tag team

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(209): View more from California

just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment

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(773): View more from Illinois

My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it

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(301): View more from Maryland

The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

At least he's a nutritious stoner...

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.

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(224): View more from Illinois

get to allyx's house asap

(312): View more from Illinois

Ok is everything ok

(224): View more from Illinois

Yeah, theres just lesbians

(312): View more from Illinois

omg yes on my way

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(713): View more from Texas

I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.

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(443): View more from Maryland

He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.

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Reikage_Sanshi's Favorites Texts:

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