Texts From Last Night · andyzeiberg's Favorites

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(720): View more from Colorado

There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11

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(417): View more from Missouri

I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player

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(250): View more from British Columbia

you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits

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(818): View more from California

The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.

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(646): View more from New York

Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor

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(618): View more from Illinois

So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.

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(817): View more from Texas

There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.

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(408): View more from California

Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.

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(903): View more from Texas

He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?

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(478): View more from Georgia

I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit

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(815): View more from Illinois

You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush

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(830): View more from Texas

Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.

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(708): View more from Illinois

that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..

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(347): View more from New York

Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.

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(775): View more from Nevada

I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.

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(515): View more from Iowa

We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.

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(863): View more from Florida

I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.

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(316): View more from Kansas

If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.

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(614): View more from Ohio

It's never too late to be topless.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.

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(513): View more from Ohio

You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"

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(816): View more from Missouri

well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me

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(+61): View more from Australia

In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm

(1+61): View more from

At least it wasn't your drinking arm

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(478): View more from Georgia

You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.

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(562): View more from California

Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?

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(334): View more from Alabama

So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police

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(416): View more from Toronto

Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.

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(914): View more from New York

She's been drunk for three days now

(914): View more from New York

Like three straight days. 72 hours

(914): View more from New York

She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.

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(407): View more from Florida

There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.

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(818): View more from California

You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.

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(718): View more from New York

You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.

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(954): View more from Florida

Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?

(305): View more from Florida

It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.

(954): View more from Florida

STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn

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(315): View more from New York

In other news, I just burned my penis

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(312): View more from Illinois

Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.

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(513): View more from Ohio

So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.

(1-513): View more from Ohio

Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?

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(512): View more from Texas

I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!

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(701): View more from North Dakota

so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.

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(702): View more from Nevada

He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?

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(941): View more from Florida

She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.

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(562): View more from California

So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch

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(626): View more from California

My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close

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(805): View more from California

YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.

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(914): View more from New York

He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE

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(443): View more from Maryland

My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.

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(613): View more from Ontario

That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.

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(325): View more from Texas

I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours

(325): View more from Texas

Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin

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(423): View more from Tennessee

In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.

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(727): View more from Florida

I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame

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(641): View more from Iowa

He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset

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(425): View more from Washington

I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.

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(716): View more from New York

YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!

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(660): View more from Missouri

I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.

(1-660): View more from Missouri

THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER

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(954): View more from Florida

Sadly, she's the porn star that got away

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(712): View more from Iowa

when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face

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(816): View more from Missouri

Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.

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(478): View more from Georgia

So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.

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(309): View more from Illinois

trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit

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(720): View more from Colorado

I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"

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(253): View more from Washington

I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.

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(407): View more from Florida

I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.

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(208): View more from Idaho

I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.

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(516): View more from New York

Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.

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(206): View more from Washington

As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.

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(810): View more from Michigan

I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.

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(912): View more from Georgia

Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.

(404): View more from Georgia

STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.

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(646): View more from New York

I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell

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(205): View more from Alabama

This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.

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(925): View more from California

A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.

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(303): View more from Colorado

It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked

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(727): View more from Florida

I felt guilty, it was so good!

(1-727): View more from Florida

Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.

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(503): View more from Oregon

if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.

(1-503): View more from Oregon

oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in

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(303): View more from Colorado

He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!

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(860): View more from Connecticut

letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs

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(919): View more from North Carolina

She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!

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(254): View more from Texas

I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.

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(705): View more from Ontario

I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower

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(734): View more from Michigan

If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do

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(360): View more from Washington

I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.

(1-360): View more from Washington

It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.

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(660): View more from Missouri

hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?

(816): View more from Missouri

yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward

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(906): View more from Michigan

We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.

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(541): View more from Oregon

No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.

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(912): View more from Georgia

I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff

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(352): View more from Florida

I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Happy birthday, you long dick monster

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(210): View more from Texas

Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.

(1-506): View more from New Brunswick

Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.

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(818): View more from California

We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.

(619): View more from California

I will find you...

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.

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(619): View more from California

We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.

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(424): View more from California

The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.

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(705): View more from Ontario

He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob

(1-931): View more from Tennessee

Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic

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(705): View more from Ontario

I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.

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(719): View more from Colorado

I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.

(1-617): View more from Massachusetts

Aw.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...

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(616): View more from Michigan

i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.

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(312): View more from Illinois

When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close

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(903): View more from Texas

Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.

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(850): View more from Florida

Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.

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(512): View more from Texas

Was I asleep on the ride home?

(1-512): View more from Texas

Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.

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(369): View more from California

I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.

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(925): View more from California

Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.

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(914): View more from New York

bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house

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(540): View more from Virginia

I need Jameson.

(240): View more from Maryland

Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.

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(530): View more from California

Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

That is awesome that you did that.

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(678): View more from Georgia

You is good. You is important. You is a slut.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.

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(514): View more from Quebec

OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!

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(519): View more from Ontario

He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good

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(770): View more from Georgia

The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.

(770): View more from Georgia

I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.

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(248): View more from Michigan

For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.

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(949): View more from California

Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut

(714): View more from California

I think mark twain said that originally

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(650): View more from California

He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.

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(562): View more from California

don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.

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(614): View more from Ohio

We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.

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(563): View more from Iowa

I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished

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(541): View more from Oregon

I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue

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(509): View more from Washington

He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced

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(801): View more from Utah

He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad

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(410): View more from Maryland

It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.

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(805): View more from California

Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"

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(815): View more from Illinois

YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown

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(714): View more from California

Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Wow that was a lesbian tornado.

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(214): View more from Texas

I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."

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(512): View more from Texas

They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"

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(602): View more from Arizona

Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.

(316): View more from Kansas

That's the best creepy text ever.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.

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(845): View more from New York

Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands

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(301): View more from Maryland

He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.

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(316): View more from Kansas

Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....

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(941): View more from Florida

Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.

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(317): View more from Indiana

In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.

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(207): View more from Maine

Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.

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(770): View more from Georgia

How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?

(678): View more from Georgia

4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?

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(443): View more from Maryland

How's my date look?

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Like a retarded elf

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

In a good way

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(334): View more from Alabama

My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?

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(503): View more from Oregon

So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you

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(701): View more from North Dakota

in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.

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(660): View more from Missouri

On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.

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(912): View more from Georgia

Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....

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(518): View more from New York

How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.

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(217): View more from Illinois

He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!

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(904): View more from Florida

I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.

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(760): View more from California

If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone

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(630): View more from Illinois

And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear

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(540): View more from Virginia

He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"

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(845): View more from New York

The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.

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(512): View more from Texas

I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!

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(509): View more from Washington

We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building

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(406): View more from Montana

I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!

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(614): View more from Ohio

So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude, they all thought you were gay.

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(703): View more from Virginia

We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team

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(201): View more from New Jersey

oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

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(407): View more from Florida

i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

who dressed up as a cop at your party???

(1-724): View more from Pennsylvania

idk I have to check. Why?

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.

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(904): View more from Florida

My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.

(1-808): View more from Hawaii

To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.

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(917): View more from New York City

She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone

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(650): View more from California

Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night

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(613): View more from Ontario

Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.

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(716): View more from New York

Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!

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(706): View more from Georgia

My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."

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(916): View more from California

We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I have a surprise for you guys

(937): View more from Ohio

What is it?

(740): View more from Ohio

A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS

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(302): View more from Delaware

Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains

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(971): View more from Oregon

you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying

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(317): View more from Indiana

He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him

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(218): View more from Minnesota

You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.

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(718): View more from New York

I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...

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(256): View more from Alabama

There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him

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(881): View more from

I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.

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(469): View more from Texas

After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?

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(914): View more from New York

probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.

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(513): View more from Ohio

hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.

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(469): View more from Texas

I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.

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(623): View more from Arizona

I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.

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(941): View more from Florida

Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult

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(678): View more from Georgia

Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."

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(260): View more from Indiana

Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.

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(936): View more from Texas

Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check

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(315): View more from New York

While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

Did he at least offer you guys chips?

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(917): View more from New York City

She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.

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(256): View more from Alabama

It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?

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(207): View more from Maine

This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.

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(313): View more from Michigan

What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask

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(315): View more from New York

It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

He won't sleep with me again until I commit...

(1-320): View more from Minnesota

Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.

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(708): View more from Illinois

if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again

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(813): View more from Florida

So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3

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(917): View more from New York City

it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome

(1-917): View more from New York City

second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?

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(512): View more from Texas

You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.

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(631): View more from New York

She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.

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(760): View more from California

I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio

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(804): View more from Virginia

They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I just Tebowed the shit out of her.

(336): View more from North Carolina

Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...

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(210): View more from Texas

I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.

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(253): View more from Washington

Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.

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(219): View more from Indiana

You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you

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(571): View more from Virginia

Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero

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(312): View more from Illinois

I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.

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(214): View more from Texas

Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"

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