Texts From Last Night · cowgirlup1912's Favorites

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cowgirlup1912's Favorites Texts:

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(917): View more from New York City

Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.

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(954): View more from Florida

Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.

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(678): View more from Georgia

thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?

(651): View more from Minnesota

That's yours. We cut you off.

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(845): View more from New York

Drunk

(845): View more from New York

Deyhxbr

(845): View more from New York

Fucaerrrrr

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(404): View more from Georgia

Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?

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(248): View more from Michigan

guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?

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(217): View more from Illinois

Did everyone make it back alive?

(309): View more from Illinois

You say that with such hope.

(217): View more from Illinois

Is that a no?

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart

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(702): View more from Nevada

they just started filling water ballons with vodka.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

on my way.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.

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(917): View more from New York City

I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight

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(408): View more from California

hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?

(925): View more from California

Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.

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(912): View more from Georgia

Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze

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(239): View more from Florida

In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.

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(916): View more from California

The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed

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(248): View more from Michigan

We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.

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(813): View more from Florida

thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not

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(310): View more from California

She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me

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(905): View more from Ontario

Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.

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(585): View more from New York

i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?

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(704): View more from North Carolina

dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed

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(206): View more from Washington

I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Wow that was a lesbian tornado.

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(813): View more from Florida

Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am

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(609): View more from New Jersey

So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....

(732): View more from New Jersey

This explains a lot.

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(516): View more from New York

Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"

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(281): View more from Texas

She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

what day is it and did you see me today?

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(810): View more from Michigan

You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish

(248): View more from Michigan

Experience is the best teacher

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(815): View more from Illinois

We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.

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(819): View more from Quebec

Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?

(604): View more from British Columbia

Each and every day.

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(408): View more from California

I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.

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(906): View more from Michigan

They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...

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(248): View more from Michigan

Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars

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(804): View more from Virginia

Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting

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(253): View more from Washington

Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.

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(303): View more from Colorado

There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.

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(816): View more from Missouri

we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome

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(214): View more from Texas

She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.

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(518): View more from New York

Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!

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(850): View more from Florida

We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.

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(224): View more from Illinois

I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Adam has been drinking

(1-810): View more from Michigan

Who has his phone

(810): View more from Michigan

Adam does

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(810): View more from Michigan

So drunk its hurt

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(520): View more from Arizona

just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?

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(785): View more from Kansas

Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...

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(573): View more from Missouri

I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.

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(530): View more from California

I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?

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(619): View more from California

We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..

(1-502): View more from Kentucky

Aren't you in 8th grade?

(502): View more from Kentucky

9th, but that's not the point.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors

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(425): View more from Washington

I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.

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(269): View more from Michigan

You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan

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(226): View more from Ontario

forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.

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(646): View more from New York

just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!

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(805): View more from California

My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?

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(708): View more from Illinois

A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.

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(847): View more from Illinois

He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?

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(650): View more from California

Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp

(1-650): View more from California

i loe djcudia fjxos rue.

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(406): View more from Montana

i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.

(1-406): View more from Montana

haha i know

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(520): View more from Arizona

normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button

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(417): View more from Missouri

There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.

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(519): View more from Ontario

like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...

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(614): View more from Ohio

Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE

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(330): View more from Ohio

i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm

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(818): View more from California

Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.

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(813): View more from Florida

im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.

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(812): View more from Indiana

gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar

(219): View more from Indiana

I need you to use more vowels.

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(514): View more from Quebec

No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.

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(206): View more from Washington

You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..

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(229): View more from Georgia

strike ten. I need to stop drinkng

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(954): View more from Florida

I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza

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(231): View more from Michigan

the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people

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(760): View more from California

If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone

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(516): View more from New York

good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.

(515): View more from Iowa

I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I wish facebook had a fuck off button.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there

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(515): View more from Iowa

Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here

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(515): View more from Iowa

I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"

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(515): View more from Iowa

The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...

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(641): View more from Iowa

are you wasted or are you getting laid?

(515): View more from Iowa

ebdebdebdebd

(641): View more from Iowa

wow

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw

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(+66): View more from Thailand

We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA

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(815): View more from Illinois

This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.

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(313): View more from Michigan

The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?

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(910): View more from North Carolina

He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.

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(443): View more from Maryland

theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

there needs to be a build-a-bong store...

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(702): View more from Nevada

No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.

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(850): View more from Florida

The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.

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(417): View more from Missouri

Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable

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(815): View more from Illinois

I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.

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(815): View more from Illinois

May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat

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(847): View more from Illinois

ready 4 sex 2nite?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

wow. woo me matt, woo me.

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(720): View more from Colorado

There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"

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(816): View more from Missouri

About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

giving yourself 2 days to recover i see

(828): View more from North Carolina

I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.

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(516): View more from New York

the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"

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(678): View more from Georgia

We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

My brain says no but my pants say off.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

ugh. my soul tastes like vodka

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(847): View more from Illinois

The panties match.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

I'll be right there.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone

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(330): View more from Ohio

I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(512): View more from Texas

Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay

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(817): View more from Texas

I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.

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(630): View more from Illinois

it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job

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(213): View more from California

You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40

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(586): View more from Michigan

hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink

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(847): View more from Illinois

I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping

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(514): View more from Quebec

you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?

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(989): View more from Michigan

dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.

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(440): View more from Ohio

do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?

(1-440): View more from Ohio

you should probably use water

(440): View more from Ohio

i dont have any

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(315): View more from New York

My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'

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(201): View more from New Jersey

there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.

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(818): View more from California

I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.

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(206): View more from Washington

Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.

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(913): View more from Kansas

just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.

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(734): View more from Michigan

How was the bike ride?

(1-734): View more from Michigan

Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I just hotboxed my laundry basket.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

I'm jealous

(270): View more from Kentucky

My throat feels like a candle.

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(248): View more from Michigan

i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND

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(847): View more from Illinois

Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?

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(317): View more from Indiana

He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...

(1-317): View more from Indiana

He's the fucking cop whisperer.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?

(940): View more from Texas

homeless.

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(812): View more from Indiana

How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?

(1-608): View more from Wisconsin

myspace Music?

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(914): View more from New York

this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

my sombrero is too big for the bathroom

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(804): View more from Virginia

Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.

(571): View more from Virginia

was that a mass text??

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(406): View more from Montana

We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.

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(801): View more from Utah

He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen

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(914): View more from New York

i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros

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(513): View more from Ohio

I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.

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(789): View more from

If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.

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(530): View more from California

How is Miami?

(954): View more from Florida

Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln

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(706): View more from Georgia

the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.

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(210): View more from Texas

I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.

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(956): View more from Texas

Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."

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(406): View more from Montana

I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked

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(702): View more from Nevada

You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy

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(319): View more from Iowa

Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.

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(269): View more from Michigan

Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

the snow is so cold on my vagina.

(405): View more from Oklahoma

why do you have snow on your vagina?

(580): View more from Oklahoma

vodka and heels.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.

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(847): View more from Illinois

my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them

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(208): View more from Idaho

Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.

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(518): View more from New York

woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so

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(214): View more from Texas

A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Walk of Shame time yet?

(1+44): View more from

Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?

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(517): View more from Michigan

I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...

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(765): View more from Indiana

just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.

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(516): View more from New York

so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me

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(817): View more from Texas

Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?

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(951): View more from California

Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.

(951): View more from California

Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

What are we going to do tonight?

(704): View more from North Carolina

What we try to do every night. Take over the world

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(325): View more from Texas

Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero

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(727): View more from Florida

wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

(727): View more from Florida

ooooooooooooo i'm drink

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(513): View more from Ohio

wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?

(1-513): View more from Ohio

how could i say no?

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(614): View more from Ohio

good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.

(740): View more from Ohio

i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..

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(435): View more from Utah

Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back

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(443): View more from Maryland

We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.

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(540): View more from Virginia

just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping

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(518): View more from New York

after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I'm on page 4.

(678): View more from Georgia

Im on beer infinity

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(512): View more from Texas

You surviving the open bar?

(1-512): View more from Texas

Super asto ex polenta omaha botad

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Fuck now we have to have sex

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

What?

(203): View more from Connecticut

In a bet, need to win

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(805): View more from California

found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.

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(845): View more from New York

i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7

(1-845): View more from New York

id pin you as more of an 8

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(503): View more from Oregon

two words: eviction party

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order

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(571): View more from Virginia

Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.

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(509): View more from Washington

Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?

(860): View more from Connecticut

Becoming a productive member of society?

(509): View more from Washington

Sam. Come on.

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(770): View more from Georgia

There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.

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(661): View more from California

Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.

(1-661): View more from California

What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"

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(805): View more from California

I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.

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(831): View more from California

I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.

(1-831): View more from California

stop. you already have a dog

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(407): View more from Florida

I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.

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(917): View more from New York City

I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.

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(361): View more from Texas

What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?

(1-361): View more from Texas

These are the tickets we got last night.

(361): View more from Texas

Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?

(1-361): View more from Texas

Yes...yes you did.

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(206): View more from Washington

I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians

(503): View more from Oregon

How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?

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(613): View more from Ontario

i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer

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(636): View more from Missouri

A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

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(440): View more from Ohio

he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.

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(214): View more from Texas

Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS

(210): View more from Texas

Put my glitter back.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

I can't open my eyes

(925): View more from California

Lol why not?

(808): View more from Hawaii

Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk

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(816): View more from Missouri

I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.

(913): View more from Kansas

Nobody is perfect

(816): View more from Missouri

I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other

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(407): View more from Florida

Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.

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(303): View more from Colorado

One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.

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(315): View more from New York

i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.

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(555): View more from

After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.

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(239): View more from Florida

You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.

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(305): View more from Florida

You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.

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(510): View more from California

Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.

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(734): View more from Michigan

It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free

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(330): View more from Ohio

Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am

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(716): View more from New York

i think that dennys waitress has my boxers

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(201): View more from New Jersey

PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...

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(231): View more from Michigan

P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.

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(352): View more from Florida

... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.

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(707): View more from California

I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class

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(716): View more from New York

come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.

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(310): View more from California

only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.

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(239): View more from Florida

Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up

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(802): View more from Vermont

i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.

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(936): View more from Texas

You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home

(254): View more from Texas

Challenge accepted.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....

(1-630): View more from Illinois

which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?

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(916): View more from California

I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here

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(319): View more from Iowa

addddeeerrraaaallll.

(641): View more from Iowa

ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I don`t remember Saturday, actually

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

Its ok, i dont remember 2007

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(613): View more from Ontario

you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved

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(303): View more from Colorado

There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.

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(818): View more from California

I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar

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(410): View more from Maryland

he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero

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(845): View more from New York

i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.

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(360): View more from Washington

Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.

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(757): View more from Virginia

So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof

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(208): View more from Idaho

this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"

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(416): View more from Ontario

I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her

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(847): View more from Illinois

He tried peeing out of the sunroof.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.

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(623): View more from Arizona

Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.

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(917): View more from New York City

Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman

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(516): View more from New York

...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?

(585): View more from New York

hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that

(516): View more from New York

is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.

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(979): View more from Texas

You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands

(713): View more from Texas

When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive

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(845): View more from New York

Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand

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(630): View more from Illinois

all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed

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(845): View more from New York

if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian

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(630): View more from Illinois

I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.

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(415): View more from California

sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Some one left their pants in the elevator.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.

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(619): View more from California

i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die

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(204): View more from Manitoba

some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.

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(469): View more from Texas

i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...

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(404): View more from Georgia

standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.

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(330): View more from Ohio

and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"

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(423): View more from Tennessee

today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married

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(831): View more from California

she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?

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(954): View more from Florida

I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa

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(201): View more from New Jersey

If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?

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(302): View more from Delaware

Who goes to Church hungover

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk

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(205): View more from Alabama

Why are my keys in the refrigerator?

(1-205): View more from Alabama

You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.

(205): View more from Alabama

This explains so much.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car

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(314): View more from Missouri

doooooooo herrrrrrrrr

(504): View more from Louisiana

I'm out of practice. be my yoda

(314): View more from Missouri

put your penis in her you must.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?

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