Texts From Last Night · jbeast's Favorites

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(650): View more from California

I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes

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(812): View more from Indiana

according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.

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(705): View more from Ontario

I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.

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(404): View more from Georgia

we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?

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(530): View more from California

she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.

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(631): View more from New York

I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed

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(703): View more from Virginia

She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.

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(254): View more from Texas

Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.

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(650): View more from California

Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.

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(216): View more from Ohio

This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.

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(207): View more from Maine

you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom

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(478): View more from Georgia

We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.

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(619): View more from California

My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.

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(303): View more from Colorado

We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down

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(330): View more from Ohio

Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?

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(864): View more from South Carolina

We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months

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(904): View more from Florida

Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.

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(239): View more from Florida

Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.

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(818): View more from California

i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...

(805): View more from California

i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"

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(813): View more from Florida

so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw

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(954): View more from Florida

I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.

(727): View more from Florida

More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.

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(205): View more from Alabama

woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers

(1-205): View more from Alabama

yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....

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(404): View more from Georgia

I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.

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(914): View more from New York

Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.

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(408): View more from California

i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.

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(812): View more from Indiana

i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.

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(315): View more from New York

Hello wreck, this is your train calling.

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(949): View more from California

My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.

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(917): View more from New York City

He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now

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(512): View more from Texas

that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club

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(719): View more from Colorado

He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"

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(847): View more from Illinois

Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril

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(936): View more from Texas

what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?

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(530): View more from California

Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'

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(248): View more from Michigan

Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.

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(516): View more from New York

Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"

(262): View more from Wisconsin

That was long passed due.

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(775): View more from Nevada

they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.

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(718): View more from New York

Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.

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(789): View more from

If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.

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(702): View more from Nevada

It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...

(775): View more from Nevada

yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"

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(936): View more from Texas

You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home

(254): View more from Texas

Challenge accepted.

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(513): View more from Ohio

New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.

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(705): View more from Ontario

All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.

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(925): View more from California

I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.

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(415): View more from California

Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up

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(845): View more from New York

So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.

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(641): View more from Iowa

We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.

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(646): View more from New York

All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there

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(785): View more from Kansas

Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites

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(337): View more from Louisiana

I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.

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(503): View more from Oregon

gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb

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(512): View more from Texas

We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops

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(206): View more from Washington

We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.

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(786): View more from Florida

If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up

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(845): View more from New York

im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars

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(207): View more from Maine

A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.

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(517): View more from Michigan

My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.

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(607): View more from New York

Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?

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(815): View more from Illinois

He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.

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(773): View more from Illinois

halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids

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(415): View more from California

I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.

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(847): View more from Illinois

i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink

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(214): View more from Texas

So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.

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(650): View more from California

OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick

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(406): View more from Montana

It was just a squirrel

(253): View more from Washington

You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar

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(408): View more from California

Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.

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(305): View more from Florida

I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.

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(207): View more from Maine

we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?

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(309): View more from Illinois

I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.

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(512): View more from Texas

Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.

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(517): View more from Michigan

The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came

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(916): View more from California

Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.

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(561): View more from Florida

oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.

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(229): View more from Georgia

He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

And to think..we used to do everything sober...

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(813): View more from Florida

Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.

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(661): View more from California

It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...

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(310): View more from California

His dick was poking my bladder. That big...

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(970): View more from Colorado

I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.

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(253): View more from Washington

You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.

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(706): View more from Georgia

This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.

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(209): View more from California

is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us

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(714): View more from California

I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside

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(218): View more from Minnesota

he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this

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(847): View more from Illinois

You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head

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(347): View more from New York

just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me

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(626): View more from California

she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.

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(415): View more from California

I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"

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(219): View more from Indiana

she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.

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(440): View more from Ohio

New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."

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(650): View more from California

Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.

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(815): View more from Illinois

you thought your balls were fighting each other...

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(517): View more from Michigan

you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.

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(631): View more from New York

Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me

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(727): View more from Florida

Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?

(1-727): View more from Florida

I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.

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(760): View more from California

Why is your vibrator in the fridge?

(1-760): View more from California

I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

like hot dogs and buns.

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(573): View more from Missouri

just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch

(636): View more from Missouri

Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?

(573): View more from Missouri

IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation

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(330): View more from Ohio

Every perfect package comes with a warning label.

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(801): View more from Utah

please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.

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(208): View more from Idaho

The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"

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(224): View more from Illinois

I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Is he smart?

(1-952): View more from Minnesota

Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.

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(516): View more from New York

if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine

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(310): View more from California

can your parents tell?

(310): View more from California

i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know

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(515): View more from Iowa

On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.

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(631): View more from New York

I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.

(631): View more from New York

Cruelly.

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(510): View more from California

I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting

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(973): View more from New Jersey

A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.

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(360): View more from Washington

Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

It's like a mixture of two words

(985): View more from Louisiana

"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"

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(765): View more from Indiana

let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk

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(817): View more from Texas

HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

we've started having sober sex

(203): View more from Connecticut

you really do like him

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(404): View more from Georgia

Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.

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(434): View more from Virginia

Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.

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(858): View more from California

It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.

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(972): View more from Texas

Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving

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(925): View more from California

Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends

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(404): View more from Georgia

Are you still at the party or did I leave?

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(443): View more from Maryland

The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.

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(807): View more from Ontario

I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.

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(954): View more from Florida

tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?

(1-954): View more from Florida

Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.

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(770): View more from Georgia

His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"

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(706): View more from Georgia

He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times

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(201): View more from New Jersey

He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.

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(917): View more from New York City

I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.

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(513): View more from Ohio

sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(+61): View more from Australia

I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.

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(562): View more from California

If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.

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(207): View more from Maine

so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.

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(509): View more from Washington

She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after

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(509): View more from Washington

I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM

(909): View more from California

I'm scared to ask why.....

(509): View more from Washington

1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.

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(224): View more from Illinois

so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am

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(203): View more from Connecticut

so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit

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(352): View more from Florida

Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes

(1-352): View more from Florida

I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace

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(513): View more from Ohio

Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.

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(703): View more from Virginia

So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win

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(816): View more from Missouri

I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?

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(636): View more from Missouri

A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

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(626): View more from California

Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.

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(310): View more from California

i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."

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(678): View more from Georgia

I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.

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(972): View more from Texas

they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!

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(917): View more from New York City

im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?

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(970): View more from Colorado

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): View more from Colorado

Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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(319): View more from Iowa

Heyyyy darlin are you busy?

(1-319): View more from Iowa

Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."�

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja

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(562): View more from California

just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.

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(573): View more from Missouri

this study room smells like vodka

(310): View more from California

the study room thinks the same about you

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(773): View more from Illinois

She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.

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(914): View more from New York

I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me

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(931): View more from Tennessee

drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?

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(661): View more from California

this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.

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(214): View more from Texas

A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.

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(207): View more from Maine

i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like

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(847): View more from Illinois

I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.

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(906): View more from Michigan

Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight

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(850): View more from Florida

Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave

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(248): View more from Michigan

today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much

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(319): View more from Iowa

Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.

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(631): View more from New York

This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.

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(219): View more from Indiana

Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it

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(416): View more from Toronto

He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.

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(317): View more from Indiana

and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way

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(408): View more from California

Maybe my heart is located in my vagina

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(541): View more from Oregon

woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.

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(716): View more from New York

as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.

(1-716): View more from New York

momma always taught us never to change for a boy..

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.

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(905): View more from Ontario

MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.

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(216): View more from Ohio

fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.

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(812): View more from Indiana

If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.

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(305): View more from Florida

If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there

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(903): View more from Texas

I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after

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(708): View more from Illinois

After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."

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(989): View more from Michigan

no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.

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(281): View more from Texas

It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.

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(949): View more from California

We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?

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(269): View more from Michigan

I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.

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(607): View more from New York

Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim

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(574): View more from Indiana

its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Little spoons don't ask big questions

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(703): View more from Virginia

you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle

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(203): View more from Connecticut

there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them

(718): View more from New York

pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed

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(360): View more from Washington

It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.

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(727): View more from Florida

just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer

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(336): View more from North Carolina

i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance

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(636): View more from Missouri

So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.

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(315): View more from New York

I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

we'll go far in life on tits alone.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

it's 1 pm.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.

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(407): View more from Florida

I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day

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(847): View more from Illinois

We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things

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(281): View more from Texas

He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.

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(541): View more from Oregon

does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized

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(612): View more from Minnesota

three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.

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(248): View more from Michigan

i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.

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(419): View more from Ohio

A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.

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(770): View more from Georgia

just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right

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(704): View more from North Carolina

One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+

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(619): View more from California

Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest

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(305): View more from Florida

I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".

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(607): View more from New York

You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me

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(954): View more from Florida

you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now

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(970): View more from Colorado

Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.

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(124): View more from

Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.

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(630): View more from Illinois

My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.

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(386): View more from Florida

after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

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(305): View more from Florida

i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.

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(314): View more from Missouri

On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?

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(513): View more from Ohio

You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Guess she heard her killer coming

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(434): View more from Virginia

why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?

(540): View more from Virginia

you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(410): View more from Maryland

so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero

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(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

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(512): View more from Texas

i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.

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(347): View more from New York

in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911

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(440): View more from Ohio

The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

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(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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(516): View more from New York

Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?

(518): View more from New York

No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.

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(573): View more from Missouri

Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.

(573): View more from Missouri

I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.

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(571): View more from Virginia

Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.

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(845): View more from New York

beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day

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(630): View more from Illinois

i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.

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(740): View more from Ohio

the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.

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(954): View more from Florida

you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head

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(972): View more from Texas

P.S. I can't hear my feet

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(423): View more from Tennessee

2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place

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(734): View more from Michigan

just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"

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