Texts From Last Night · loemarie's Favorites

Sorry oh_heeey hasn't picked any favorites yet.

loemarie's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(925): View more from California

I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.

Fav 1 824 528
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?

Fav 17 1807 685
share tweet

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work

Fav 12 1883 824
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.

Fav 1 1281 576
share tweet
(928): View more from Arizona

So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time

Fav 6 1712 628
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."

Fav 11 1427 645
share tweet

(415): View more from California

I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week

(1-415): View more from California

I don't deserve you.

Fav 6 2530 668
share tweet

(617): View more from Massachusetts

DC is easy, you will figure it out.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.

Fav 3 1060 610
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.

Fav 6 1392 500
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry

Fav 1 1159 576
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.

Fav 6 2138 637
share tweet

(715): View more from Wisconsin

It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!

Fav 1 859 547
share tweet

(314): View more from Missouri

I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.

Fav 5 1494 615
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"

Fav 4 991 562
share tweet

(443): View more from Maryland

Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.

Fav 8 1974 650
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me

Fav 9 2176 676
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.

Fav 11 1977 738
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?

(816): View more from Missouri

Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.

Fav 2 1467 630
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.

Fav 7 1150 546
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.

Fav 6 1695 680
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.

Fav 7 1208 553
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final

Fav 6 2204 851
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.

Fav 3 1042 559
share tweet
(408): View more from California

Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high

Fav 0 676 500
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.

Fav 10 3031 739
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?

Fav 10 627 1314
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?

Fav 8 593 1424
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.

Fav 6 1117 662
share tweet
(229): View more from Georgia

I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.

Fav 1 913 552
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.

Fav 6 1078 690
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.

Fav 22 923 1719
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday

Fav 2 1048 577
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything

Fav 6 1546 555
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.

Fav 5 658 1018
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms

Fav 7 954 706
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.

Fav 6 2536 658
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Are you high?

(425): View more from Washington

The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear

Fav 1 1153 532
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"

Fav 3 2326 649
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.

Fav 2 1044 634
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.

Fav 8 2189 772
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.

Fav 6 2166 1616
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

Basically.

Fav 8 3248 837
share tweet
(641): View more from Iowa

I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.

Fav 3 1346 824
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"

Fav 3 1736 1056
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.

Fav 9 3254 1751
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.

Fav 1 925 542
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?

(803): View more from South Carolina

You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away

Fav 0 1441 631
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?

Fav 7 860 945
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.

Fav 20 1459 785
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.

Fav 1 526 898
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that

Fav 7 2935 1021
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.

Fav 20 3815 1301
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??

Fav 4 2022 1866
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?

Fav 18 6506 1701
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.

Fav 9 2015 1019
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?

Fav 12 3614 1148
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole

Fav 7 2925 675
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.

Fav 8 782 1432
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.

(1-904): View more from Florida

I told you to check, dude

(904): View more from Florida

Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.

Fav 14 1832 880
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?

Fav 17 3001 1028
share tweet
(650): View more from California

My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.

Fav 2 1694 781
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.

(336): View more from North Carolina

Did it work?

(918): View more from Oklahoma

Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.

Fav 8 3401 880
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.

Fav 6 3390 1594
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.

Fav 16 5791 1559
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?

(1-480): View more from Arizona

Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?

Fav 2 822 661
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.

Fav 1 1396 629
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"

Fav 0 1095 576
share tweet
(310): View more from California

I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.

Fav 1 993 689
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.

Fav 6 1680 643
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.

(843): View more from South Carolina

You're the best wingman ever.

Fav 13 2933 974
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.

Fav 5 3030 1010
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.

Fav 3 2176 933
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.

Fav 11 1418 2272
share tweet
(545): View more from

You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.

Fav 1 1239 690
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?

Fav 1 1062 550
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.

(912): View more from Georgia

I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision

Fav 5 1443 650
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.

(208): View more from Idaho

Especially drunk mermaids.

Fav 8 1517 627
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,

Fav 3 850 549
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.

(859): View more from Kentucky

The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.

Fav 4 957 1540
share tweet
(+33): View more from France

If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.

Fav 6 2577 781
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie

Fav 2 497 1201
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.

Fav 10 1807 698
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

whats our policy on dating high schoolers?

(1-231): View more from Michigan

we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does

Fav 8 2446 860
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.

Fav 4 1624 663
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.

Fav 9 961 716
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash

Fav 3 1314 571
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.

Fav 10 1792 944
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.

Fav 6 2145 676
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

My booty call just moved 2 min from my house

(1-513): View more from Ohio

This has pregnancy written all over it

Fav 1 1865 791
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.

(817): View more from Texas

So yeah he had good weed?

Fav 4 1063 720
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.

Fav 3 825 548
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink

Fav 3 1297 608
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.

Fav 9 3436 765
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN

Fav 3 1503 596
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.

Fav 5 2525 743
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.

Fav 4 1359 639
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol

Fav 8 1275 575
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.

Fav 7 1128 983
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair

Fav 1 2021 691
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.

Fav 15 1457 632
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.

Fav 7 1245 648
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again

Fav 4 1311 862
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily

Fav 2 792 532
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.

Fav 7 1067 762
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.

Fav 4 2263 655
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

From one hot mess to another... Get it together.

Fav 1 983 578
share tweet
(763): View more from Minnesota

I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.

(651): View more from Minnesota

You are a terrible person.

(763): View more from Minnesota

I just try to be optimistic...

Fav 5 1600 790
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.

Fav 4 2062 647
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Aren't you gay?

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME

Fav 6 3390 797
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably

Fav 6 1807 2611
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.

Fav 7 2467 998
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!

Fav 8 1130 635
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does

Fav 8 1269 942
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.

Fav 6 3445 924
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN

Fav 10 1121 1877
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.

Fav 4 1627 717
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.

(503): View more from Oregon

Score one for dad.

Fav 6 2382 749
share tweet
(478): View more from Georgia

We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.

Fav 10 2017 956
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.

Fav 4 1933 772
share tweet
(951): View more from California

She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.

Fav 11 2418 1112
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?

Fav 4 1403 700
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.

Fav 17 2118 991
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.

Fav 9 2067 1040
share tweet
(310): View more from California

She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me

Fav 7 3697 1132
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.

(1-719): View more from Colorado

Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!

Fav 1 1937 608
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.

Fav 1 843 503
share tweet
(760): View more from California

If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right

Fav 3 861 554
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.

Fav 6 1487 585
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.

Fav 1 1014 569
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.

Fav 7 2540 682
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent

Fav 1 1184 678
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition

Fav 2 1225 732
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp

Fav 3 1016 544
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.

Fav 8 1962 835
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?

Fav 8 1646 874
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.

Fav 2 813 530
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit

Fav 4 698 1202
share tweet
(606): View more from Kentucky

Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any

Fav 3 1292 823
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.

Fav 5 1061 478
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?

Fav 15 1149 719
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?

(973): View more from New Jersey

That does not seem like timing

Fav 3 744 895
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."

Fav 2 1185 570
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.

Fav 12 3500 1000
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it

Fav 10 2015 655
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad

Fav 5 1460 593
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.

Fav 9 3886 1171
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.

Fav 6 2124 791
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"

Fav 4 1693 757
share tweet
(626): View more from California

I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.

Fav 2 616 722
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me

Fav 2 1114 465
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die

Fav 3 749 1594
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters

Fav 20 4508 1635
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid

Fav 48 8081 1086
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'

Fav 7 2401 776
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.

Fav 8 2029 714
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.

Fav 8 2121 785
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.

Fav 1 1440 589
share tweet
(760): View more from California

You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker

Fav 3 1340 609
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.

Fav 1 1090 557
share tweet
(760): View more from California

Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun

Fav 8 1559 679
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.

(905): View more from Ontario

Fuhga

(250): View more from British Columbia

Thank you.

Fav 3 1873 1030
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"

(404): View more from Georgia

I come from her. Holy hell.

Fav 14 3543 891
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.

Fav 2 1718 568
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working

Fav 3 1218 558
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.

Fav 2 1166 622
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly

Fav 4 2727 828
share tweet
(830): View more from Texas

I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time

(830): View more from Texas

well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from

Fav 8 1668 759
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?

Fav 7 1533 699
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.

Fav 5 951 1056
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say

Fav 15 779 1993
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.

Fav 1 1344 981
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

We can Fuck in the shower to save time

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.

Fav 5 1728 632
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear

Fav 6 1816 763
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.

(312): View more from Illinois

Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE

Fav 1 1145 680
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome

Fav 27 2547 2656
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.

(1-309): View more from Illinois

...Wow...

(309): View more from Illinois

I could be a kindergarten teacher

Fav 20 1652 805
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

Awee what are you going to name your new dog?

(315): View more from New York

What dog?

Fav 7 1145 944
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.

Fav 9 1389 740
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.

(1-585): View more from New York

I regret none of it.

Fav 8 1399 539
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.

(541): View more from Oregon

Mole people?

(425): View more from Washington

Mole people

Fav 8 1598 734
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.

(316): View more from Kansas

That's the best creepy text ever.

Fav 7 1841 957
share tweet
(510): View more from California

It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.

Fav 4 1252 735
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.

Fav 6 1130 685
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid

Fav 2 996 509
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.

Fav 6 1939 797
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.

(1-617): View more from Massachusetts

you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight

Fav 5 2417 806
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg

Fav 1 1458 600
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?

(678): View more from Georgia

4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee

Fav 7 1422 604
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.

Fav 8 1030 741
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX

Fav 6 1634 1142
share tweet
(874): View more from

I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!

Fav 8 1648 776
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands

Fav 6 1652 681
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.

Fav 3 1492 711
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?

(701): View more from North Dakota

In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!

Fav 11 2334 764
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.

Fav 42 4151 1021
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do

Fav 30 3773 1987
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom

Fav 3 2440 1115
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.

Fav 12 2953 1209
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling

Fav 15 3435 994
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.

Fav 12 3724 1285
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP

Fav 6 3638 1103
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.

Fav 7 1528 764
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?

Fav 6 1329 662
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something

Fav 4 1224 698
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

How's my date look?

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Like a retarded elf

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

In a good way

Fav 6 1010 994
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise

(908): View more from New Jersey

omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg

Fav 5 1538 817
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?

Fav 6 1797 840
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"

(1-416): View more from Toronto

You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?

Fav 17 3053 868
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.

Fav 8 2103 728
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi

Fav 3 732 1242
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?

Fav 5 1585 601
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right

Fav 7 1669 677
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.

Fav 0 1552 718
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten

Fav 2 1287 591
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right

Fav 8 2110 1014
share tweet
(562): View more from California

We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.

Fav 25 5656 1581
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7

Fav 15 6727 1272
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.

Fav 3 2373 855
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.

Fav 8 4473 1581
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.

(303): View more from Colorado

Dude, its January.

(970): View more from Colorado

We're going to do the voices too.

Fav 13 5780 1243
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.

Fav 36 22409 3677
share tweet
(805): View more from California

Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?

(1-805): View more from California

Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.

Fav 27 1120 3115
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY

(614): View more from Ohio

handstands? WTF?

(405): View more from Oklahoma

she was a gymnast

(614): View more from Ohio

go to hell.

Fav 9 3343 944
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.

Fav 6 1467 3199
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"

Fav 21 1352 6326
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.

Fav 13 7062 1489
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years

Fav 6 954 2779
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.

Fav 5 1595 1812
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.

Fav 14 5379 1684
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex

(404): View more from Georgia

Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut

(770): View more from Georgia

Fuck. Wron person. But yea

Fav 26 2273 3921
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping

Fav 21 5238 2126
share tweet
(906): View more from Michigan

I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.

Fav 25 7130 1697
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

RUDE.

(248): View more from Michigan

I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

outsmarted mickey deeeees

Fav 11 3403 1075
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

the worst part is we had a camera rolling

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Yes.

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I have to watch that.

Fav 30 5685 1776
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.

Fav 9 5219 1433
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

Fav 509 178651 8184
share tweet