Texts From Last Night · mbblair's Favorites

Sorry DeWayne hasn't picked any favorites yet.

mbblair's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(304): View more from West Virginia

Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.

Fav 36 7779 1688
share tweet
(506): View more from New Brunswick

I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.

Fav 18 3968 1268
share tweet

(860): View more from Connecticut

There is too much vodka and too much dick.

Fav 25 3881 2021
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"

Fav 6 5452 1164
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.

Fav 39 4696 1199
share tweet
(916): View more from California

I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...

Fav 13 6221 1315
share tweet

(864): View more from South Carolina

I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.

Fav 11 7925 1585
share tweet

(602): View more from Arizona

I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you

Fav 23 1843 4563
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.

Fav 17 5772 1158
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"

Fav 11 8057 1427
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.

Fav 41 13366 1859
share tweet

(917): View more from New York City

The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.

Fav 5 3494 1228
share tweet

(413): View more from Massachusetts

Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"

Fav 28 7247 1801
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.

Fav 22 7677 1458
share tweet

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT

Fav 17 6150 1592
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"

Fav 41 14364 1970
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.

Fav 10 6619 1250
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.

Fav 19 5651 1313
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.

Fav 97 4803 10322
share tweet
(251): View more from Alabama

Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.

Fav 18 5294 1297
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.

Fav 27 12123 1680
share tweet
(408): View more from California

if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place

Fav 33 6383 1721
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme

Fav 16 4076 1951
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.

(1-519): View more from Ontario

You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.

Fav 12 10664 1694
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Absence makes the cock grow harder.

Fav 17 7158 1641
share tweet
(530): View more from California

He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away

Fav 20 1498 6126
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her

Fav 39 9002 1804
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring

Fav 24 7440 1896
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.

Fav 18 7030 1298
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.

Fav 23 8746 5540
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.

Fav 12 6451 1610
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?

Fav 49 6721 2096
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"

Fav 26 7920 1661
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.

Fav 58 15471 2159
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.

Fav 29 7270 1952
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life

Fav 18 4984 1256
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.

Fav 33 11428 1592
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.

Fav 16 5609 1612
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.

Fav 8 3932 1211
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!

(860): View more from Connecticut

One less school supply you need to buy!!

Fav 25 5619 1557
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

hi brent please bring bad word music cd must most bad word please brent bring cd music bad word please brent bring cd music bad word

Fav 12 2313 3052
share tweet
(507): View more from Minnesota

Redeem this text for a blowjob

Fav 46 19211 1405
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Bea Arthur died yesterday

(240): View more from Maryland

You shut your stupid mouth

(301): View more from Maryland

Betty White is next, I just know it.

(240): View more from Maryland

Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.

Fav 21 1553 939
share tweet
(408): View more from California

Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people

Fav 12 4569 885
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends

Fav 40 2620 6510
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

and what did he say?

(614): View more from Ohio

there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.

Fav 51 13677 1686
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.

Fav 37 1110 4727
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

we convinced you the moon was a planet...again

Fav 23 7477 1284
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time

(1-309): View more from Illinois

I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating

Fav 21 5343 1646
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way

Fav 12 7675 1350
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"

Fav 19 6928 1621
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time

Fav 21 6141 1580
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.

Fav 20 8122 1399
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.

Fav 20 1479 4449
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy

Fav 110 15466 1800
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.

Fav 19 7705 1579
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

The panties match.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

I'll be right there.

Fav 35 6291 1349
share tweet
(+49): View more from Germany

They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!

Fav 14 7083 1453
share tweet
(334): View more from Alabama

This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.

Fav 36 16126 1595
share tweet
(310): View more from California

it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined

Fav 15 8887 1159
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.

Fav 33 3124 921
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.

Fav 60 15768 2599
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.

Fav 26 4869 1692
share tweet
(916): View more from California

Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.

Fav 26 7060 1339
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.

Fav 12 4294 1298
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year

Fav 20 5587 1537
share tweet
(650): View more from California

Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th

Fav 16 2473 4789
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.

Fav 166 32928 2483
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

(850): View more from Florida

I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

Fav 86 39696 2410
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.

Fav 118 39403 1936
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

(443): View more from Maryland

wasted?

(410): View more from Maryland

im pocohantasssss

Fav 109 45413 2757
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands

Fav 83 51208 2739
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

Fav 236 67229 3282
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

Fav 249 68662 3916
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?

Fav 52 8983 1620
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.

Fav 55 11647 1969
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed

Fav 28 21890 1631
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

i have to get rid of the hedgehog.

(765): View more from Indiana

Does it come with a cage?

(201): View more from New Jersey

yes. and food and toys.

(765): View more from Indiana

i'll trade you an 8th for it

(201): View more from New Jersey

deal.

Fav 26 10301 1576
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.

Fav 26 13590 1717
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

there was naked duck duck goose

(703): View more from Virginia

how does that even get suggested?!

(815): View more from Illinois

after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal

Fav 20 8206 1455
share tweet
(555): View more from

Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.

Fav 21 6152 1316
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me

Fav 63 9961 1582
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life

Fav 27 7077 1589
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.

Fav 8 4499 1243
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY

Fav 20 6593 1035
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina

Fav 100 6922 2623
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.

Fav 51 26505 1662
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.

Fav 58 8766 2501
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper

Fav 55 12609 1036
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.

Fav 82 9787 1605
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...

Fav 36 7955 1857
share tweet
(831): View more from California

she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?

Fav 80 14873 2883
share tweet
(334): View more from Alabama

i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face

(1-334): View more from Alabama

so you're single again?

(334): View more from Alabama

yea but it was worth it

Fav 46 5379 1432
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.

Fav 11 1330 3512
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone

Fav 20 5792 1584
share tweet
(949): View more from California

im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever

Fav 28 5094 1213
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

his penis is PERFECT

(802): View more from Vermont

I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm

(802): View more from Vermont

or knit it little hat

Fav 37 10361 1803
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."

Fav 21 10798 1960
share tweet
(623): View more from Arizona

My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.

Fav 24 4687 2500
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza

Fav 53 27174 2474
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

What are we going to do tonight?

(704): View more from North Carolina

What we try to do every night. Take over the world

Fav 30 4919 1151
share tweet
(858): View more from California

Life is so much better after having sex.

Fav 39 11642 1048
share tweet
(909): View more from California

he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"

Fav 79 1841 7254
share tweet
(714): View more from California

walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined

(714): View more from California

he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day

Fav 44 5323 9044
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?

Fav 24 7803 1456
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.

(1-337): View more from Louisiana

so you admit it was good then??

Fav 27 9115 1459
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.

Fav 20 6764 1478
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.

Fav 37 5465 1427
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.

Fav 16 6388 1516
share tweet
(235): View more from

I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.

Fav 55 2589 6972
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night

Fav 14 6672 1363
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.

Fav 34 5444 6822
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend

(1-210): View more from Texas

I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.

Fav 26 2485 5612
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.

Fav 17 6449 1460
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts

Fav 10 5104 1057
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job

Fav 46 5051 2211
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.

Fav 36 2924 5956
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.

Fav 22 8925 1836
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.

Fav 31 6734 1352
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.

Fav 16 6618 1433
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Ask politely.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Thats good enough.

Fav 62 14042 1744
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.

Fav 21 10046 1349
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.

Fav 24 9467 1443
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.

Fav 7 4686 1331
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god

Fav 25 7897 1433
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]

Fav 29 12047 2998
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.

Fav 24 8034 1437
share tweet
(956): View more from Texas

Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.

Fav 41 7556 1374
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"

Fav 26 6852 1319
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.

Fav 11 4276 1360
share tweet
(562): View more from California

the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...

Fav 95 21328 2346
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks

Fav 25 6793 1419
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life

(619): View more from California

with a huge shlong

(440): View more from Ohio

massive. i wanna make bitches cry

Fav 39 6206 1147
share tweet
(763): View more from Minnesota

that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!

Fav 48 4939 884
share tweet
(469): View more from Texas

I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.

Fav 33 6397 1367
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty

(917): View more from New York City

smooth operator

Fav 25 8199 1708
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Are you still giving blowjobs?

(1-850): View more from Florida

Who is this?

Fav 30 10277 2649
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room

Fav 22 8445 1775
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)

(708): View more from Illinois

WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE

Fav 9 6514 1513
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal

Fav 19 6461 2188
share tweet
(+81): View more from

Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me

Fav 28 4734 1185
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.

(631): View more from New York

Cruelly.

Fav 23 4460 1578
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."

Fav 11 7448 1394
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude

Fav 20 7605 1348
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.

Fav 19 1648 4704
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.

Fav 12 7479 1404
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.

Fav 25 1729 5440
share tweet
(714): View more from California

Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.

Fav 18 6950 1402
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.

Fav 10 7980 1302
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?

Fav 154 12238 2538
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?

Fav 22 10539 1449
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.

Fav 29 10056 1835
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!

Fav 27 9713 4569
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face

Fav 29 3646 5511
share tweet
(714): View more from California

Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.

Fav 19 1736 6582
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.

Fav 17 4478 1108
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?

(973): View more from New Jersey

it happened again.

Fav 8 6465 1223
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca

Fav 19 1752 7372
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.

Fav 56 9403 1994
share tweet
(661): View more from California

His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger

Fav 32 11892 1460
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us

Fav 29 6573 1602
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.

Fav 23 2014 5344
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.

Fav 16 6373 1298
share tweet
(760): View more from California

My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?

Fav 8 7704 1339
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....

Fav 16 5490 1432
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face

Fav 52 9109 1698
share tweet
(916): View more from California

day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.

Fav 10 6439 1456
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.

Fav 44 8519 2976
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.

Fav 34 4777 1912
share tweet
(310): View more from California

I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.

Fav 58 1770 9259
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.

Fav 20 10780 1426
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?

(203): View more from Connecticut

bc i get to see you. naked.

Fav 24 8732 1812
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina

Fav 11 1569 4952
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...

Fav 52 12834 2083
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.

Fav 30 1922 6379
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

Fav 125 48822 2421
share tweet
(435): View more from Utah

She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.

Fav 29 7340 1360
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.

Fav 21 6452 1675
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.

Fav 15 4665 1584
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer

Fav 24 8764 1782
share tweet
(562): View more from California

If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up

Fav 24 12390 1705
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.

Fav 38 2048 6320
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot

Fav 11 7206 1343
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties

Fav 16 7585 1355
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

Fav 185 53787 3103
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me

Fav 25 2154 6475
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.

Fav 11 6535 1268
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.

Fav 15 8277 1517
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.

Fav 22 2195 11018
share tweet
(+82): View more from South Korea

You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.

Fav 7 5825 1508
share tweet
(325): View more from Texas

how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit

Fav 45 5687 1468
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.

Fav 54 10178 1808
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.

Fav 90 7485 2054
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.

Fav 35 4459 1993
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though

Fav 10 1879 4673
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?

Fav 22 5531 1660
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"

(201): View more from New Jersey

hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins

Fav 41 4877 1739
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.

Fav 26 4949 2770
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.

Fav 19 7614 1503
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

happy early fathers day!!!

(829): View more from Dominican Rep

im not a father

(843): View more from South Carolina

about that...

Fav 225 8812 73988
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.

Fav 62 20366 2184
share tweet
(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

Fav 304 104248 6824
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

Fav 842 146094 10747
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.

Fav 26 9529 1591
share tweet
(916): View more from California

i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget

Fav 7 4330 1330
share tweet
(409): View more from Texas

We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus

(1-409): View more from Texas

How are you texting me from 1998?

Fav 27 9141 1641
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same

Fav 19 6430 1318
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

She tied me up with her honor cords...

Fav 29 11562 1380
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.

Fav 13 4042 1533
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after

Fav 40 15155 1517
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.

Fav 14 1346 6115
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep

Fav 41 18826 1666
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.

Fav 28 9589 1390
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly

Fav 56 4347 1131
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.

Fav 36 7110 994
share tweet
(251): View more from Alabama

you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you

Fav 58 12694 1530
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test

Fav 79 54006 2792
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

OMG. Drunk.

(662): View more from Mississippi

I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.

(718): View more from New York

Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.

Fav 8 1459 876
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?

(812): View more from Indiana

You're dead to me.

Fav 48 9450 1404
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.

Fav 77 28628 2259
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

Fav 127 131162 3914
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.

Fav 24 6558 1654
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

(917): View more from New York City

I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

Fav 41 39278 2240
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking

Fav 39 7910 1451
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): View more from Colorado

Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

Fav 111 40362 3924
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.

Fav 27 3821 829
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.

(1-519): View more from Ontario

like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.

Fav 17 6775 1180
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.

Fav 20 4751 1366
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

69 |D_O

(1-602): View more from Arizona

wtf does that mean??

(602): View more from Arizona

it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"

Fav 59 7876 1428
share tweet
(408): View more from California

Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.

Fav 41 7150 1586
share tweet
(763): View more from Minnesota

I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium

Fav 10 4538 1372
share tweet
(818): View more from California

Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.

Fav 13 6075 1473
share tweet
(+06): View more from

it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..

Fav 37 1491 7816
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x

Fav 10 8368 1629
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.

Fav 14 8861 1310
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.

Fav 16 6850 1369
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.

Fav 27 16988 1527
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

Hello wreck, this is your train calling.

Fav 13 6064 1690
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss

(301): View more from Maryland

OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?

(518): View more from New York

Doritoesssssss

Fav 41 13894 1844
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.

Fav 6 4270 1114
share tweet
(415): View more from California

Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.

Fav 7 5206 1408
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.

Fav 24 5792 1394
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.

Fav 11 4849 1278
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Say it nicely.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?

Fav 51 17092 1832
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.

(309): View more from Illinois

so finals studying is going well?

Fav 13 7825 1520
share tweet
(530): View more from California

I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.

(1-530): View more from California

fuck. you.

Fav 54 12763 2275
share tweet
(661): View more from California

I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.

Fav 16 5089 1371
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE

Fav 23 2498 6277
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.

Fav 29 4518 1551
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

did he notice?

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..

Fav 83 2180 10532
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars

Fav 21 7495 1198
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything

Fav 5 5259 1447
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Whoa, Gary Coleman died

(224): View more from Illinois

Whatchu talkin bout?!?!

(847): View more from Illinois

Too soon.

Fav 49 7447 2222
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

Fav 101 35342 4427
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless

Fav 75 4117 1782
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeeah thank god

(816): View more from Missouri

Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.

Fav 55 2544 16037
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl

Fav 16 1459 4651
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is

Fav 20 7402 2127
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.

Fav 12 5036 1139
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive

Fav 31 6226 1727
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.

Fav 7 3931 1254
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

We stopped her at 12

(708): View more from Illinois

12 shots? Or 12 midnight?

(630): View more from Illinois

Which answer would freak you out less

Fav 5 6064 1288
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.

Fav 10 6956 1400
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen

Fav 17 6011 1377
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

You should've just screamed yes we can!

Fav 52 9480 2015
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed

Fav 25 11126 1789
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.

Fav 101 10304 1563
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle

Fav 9 5440 1062
share tweet
(251): View more from Alabama

So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.

Fav 11 5985 1489
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis

Fav 82 11648 2013
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"

Fav 20 5360 1329
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.

Fav 12 5120 1718
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper

Fav 89 10417 2115
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.

Fav 44 7184 2077
share tweet
(320): View more from Minnesota

A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.

Fav 41 2748 5562
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"

Fav 20 6796 1374
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.

Fav 39 7242 1402
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.

Fav 62 7885 1937
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.

Fav 44 10555 1568
share tweet
(925): View more from California

after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.

Fav 13 4777 1266
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.

Fav 6 3448 1179
share tweet
(949): View more from California

Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life

Fav 12 4420 1300
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place

Fav 30 13125 1907
share tweet
(805): View more from California

found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.

Fav 24 6538 898
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.

Fav 19 4705 1026
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year

Fav 19 8965 1488
share tweet
(707): View more from California

I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.

Fav 26 4674 1448
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.

Fav 83 18221 2405
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.

Fav 27 9370 1793
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint

Fav 15 4924 1273
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.

Fav 25 5535 1325
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

told you he was gay.

Fav 18 1422 7029
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..

Fav 9 3730 1418
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

That's funny. Are they weird looking???

(262): View more from Wisconsin

OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.

Fav 39 9445 1835
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world

Fav 42 3478 5543
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

I'd suck anything for a pizza right now

Fav 42 5698 2013
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?

Fav 28 6841 1711
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.

Fav 52 10723 1660
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.

Fav 22 6970 2297
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys

Fav 22 7094 1438
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.

Fav 12 1843 4282
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...

(1-352): View more from Florida

so you did it...

(352): View more from Florida

obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.

Fav 29 6238 1766
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you

(580): View more from Oklahoma

Really.

Fav 101 10828 3428
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.

Fav 10 6582 1755
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits

Fav 15 5492 1599
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

can I come stay the night

(217): View more from Illinois

yeah, but no sex tonight

(810): View more from Michigan

I'll stay home

Fav 34 2781 8583
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot

Fav 62 1912 9807
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game

Fav 23 6071 1328
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.

(1-646): View more from New York

Your pregnant arnt you

Fav 21 2028 5765
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.

Fav 10 5471 1279
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit

Fav 12 10081 1549
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.

Fav 53 1585 11236
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.

Fav 10 9630 1339
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.

Fav 14 4916 1662
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?

Fav 32 1495 3433
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.

Fav 46 9163 1685
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.

Fav 6 3915 1278
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?

(952): View more from Minnesota

You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....

Fav 37 2541 8446
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.

Fav 16 5921 1538
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.

Fav 30 6057 1491
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.

Fav 25 5689 1799
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes

Fav 24 5315 2859
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

Ill do this for you.

(1-828): View more from North Carolina

You are a team player.

(828): View more from North Carolina

This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.

Fav 11 3325 778
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

i don't want you to think of me as your TA

Fav 26 10465 1700
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.

(352): View more from Florida

I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.

Fav 28 7719 1162
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh

Fav 54 1267 5573
share tweet
(763): View more from Minnesota

So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time

(1-763): View more from Minnesota

Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.

Fav 29 1470 3054
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.

Fav 14 5510 1250
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

She's allergic to latex.

(678): View more from Georgia

Lucky bastard.

Fav 30 6120 1885
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss

Fav 17 9043 1374
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'

Fav 25 3080 6023
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"

Fav 46 15408 1888
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

Heyyyy darlin are you busy?

(1-319): View more from Iowa

Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.

Fav 34 26486 2347
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.

Fav 28 3079 12624
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf

Fav 33 2312 6406
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.

Fav 36 7298 2838
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.

Fav 71 20509 2510
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.

(1-214): View more from Texas

ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...

Fav 19 2204 5240
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.

Fav 17 4950 1209
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy

Fav 51 8768 2029
share tweet
(507): View more from Minnesota

Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins

Fav 12 6023 1455
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage

Fav 26 7623 1491
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...

(708): View more from Illinois

I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....

Fav 20 5292 1422
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."

Fav 25 7263 1455
share tweet
(858): View more from California

Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch

Fav 28 9227 1761
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs

Fav 26 6802 1885
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Because ur a stupid bitch

(1-845): View more from New York

Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.

Fav 54 11923 1660
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.

Fav 42 12099 1498
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.

Fav 17 9433 1451
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?

Fav 27 7537 1410
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.

Fav 29 6871 1549
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.

Fav 41 7728 1935
share tweet
(754): View more from Florida

You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.

Fav 18 5242 1422
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator

Fav 32 12490 1592
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.

Fav 33 1902 5438
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals

Fav 33 9208 1723
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.

(301): View more from Maryland

I accept this challenge.

Fav 61 19542 2389
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.

Fav 14 7637 1410
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros

Fav 8 5345 1165
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

bring money and cleavage

Fav 20 6375 1231
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her

Fav 65 14382 3190
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.

Fav 36 13340 1666
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.

Fav 11 6365 1553
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.

(1-410): View more from Maryland

True romance of the 21st century.

Fav 63 13878 1722
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.

Fav 6 5361 1203
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"

Fav 41 15649 1618
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.

Fav 81 1531 10462
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.

Fav 20 5334 1353
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons

Fav 15 6667 1166
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".

Fav 39 8288 1423
share tweet
(925): View more from California

DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR

Fav 42 11576 1759
share tweet
(408): View more from California

Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.

Fav 10 3915 1452
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.

Fav 26 11655 1540
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.

(847): View more from Illinois

ill be there in 5.

Fav 26 9155 1357
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.

Fav 44 16367 2072
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.

(816): View more from Missouri

that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.

Fav 35 13047 1899
share tweet
(714): View more from California

i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick

Fav 35 7965 1441
share tweet
(415): View more from California

I have another pimple on my ass cheek.

(420): View more from

I'll be there in 10 minutes.

Fav 25 1440 8301
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water

Fav 24 7191 1299
share tweet
(507): View more from Minnesota

there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut

Fav 40 6121 1247
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.

(440): View more from Ohio

I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.

(248): View more from Michigan

Playoffs. This shit is serious.

Fav 60 7213 1485
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw

Fav 32 8653 1425
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes

Fav 10 1503 3787
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?

Fav 6 4314 1229
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.

Fav 36 7826 1413
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever

Fav 1 5290 1171
share tweet
(760): View more from California

He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.

Fav 26 11193 1312
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music

Fav 49 18833 1913
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.

Fav 81 17405 3209
share tweet
(575): View more from New Mexico

The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"

Fav 18 13371 1544
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him

Fav 21 1746 9254
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.

(1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

who'd you have sex with.

Fav 12 2565 4544
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.

Fav 52 7028 2080
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.

Fav 35 1374 8445
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

Fav 65 29371 2498
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.

Fav 63 22476 1748
share tweet
(712): View more from Iowa

Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.

Fav 35 2161 5434
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that

Fav 37 2727 6963
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".

Fav 10 6146 1362
share tweet
(252): View more from North Carolina

Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won

Fav 30 13942 1497
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.

Fav 36 1942 8857
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

Thanks for getting me home last night.

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.

Fav 29 9479 1524
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell

Fav 27 1567 6061
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?

Fav 25 7351 1499
share tweet
(234): View more from Ohio

No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.

(387): View more from

I don't know what to judge you more for.

Fav 18 4380 1552
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.

Fav 22 7464 1231
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.

Fav 46 20095 2060
share tweet
(213): View more from California

I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.

Fav 21 6673 1822
share tweet
(559): View more from California

Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.

Fav 35 5255 2234
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis

Fav 19 2445 3253
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like

Fav 72 13228 1639
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?

(503): View more from Oregon

3some

(541): View more from Oregon

You're right, stupid question.

Fav 21 10794 1615
share tweet
(714): View more from California

Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.

Fav 21 7924 1611
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...

Fav 27 7116 1378
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.

Fav 39 9658 1645
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

i really wish james franco would like my vagina

Fav 25 6119 1546
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist

Fav 51 25039 2258
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys

Fav 17 3638 1387
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

Do ugly people know they are ugly?

(1-202): View more from Washington, DC

The quiet ones do.

Fav 25 2555 2764
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm

Fav 21 4009 4852
share tweet
(760): View more from California

She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.

Fav 30 8014 1562
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.

Fav 79 9390 3614
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.

Fav 14 5520 1359
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places

Fav 13 7257 2035
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night

(401): View more from Rhode Island

no, that is not a typo

(401): View more from Rhode Island

i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday

Fav 50 6984 2587
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

I can't believe he would be such an ass

(1-561): View more from Florida

Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.

Fav 7 5262 1402
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus

Fav 23 3240 880
share tweet
(786): View more from Florida

I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.

Fav 58 1527 7581
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.

Fav 15 7669 1926
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....

Fav 15 1467 5458
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.

Fav 37 3794 5113
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth

Fav 20 7968 1441
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.

Fav 98 28633 2414
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

You make your fellow Jews happy.

Fav 16 6765 1430
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"

Fav 38 20026 1975
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?

Fav 52 12946 3241
share tweet
(234): View more from Ohio

omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic

Fav 12 6684 1225
share tweet
(225): View more from Louisiana

i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip

(1-225): View more from Louisiana

whats a bus flip?

(225): View more from Louisiana

idk but apparently i invented it

Fav 23 10169 1407
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.

Fav 25 21252 1555
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

hows the party?

(816): View more from Missouri

ists fjcssing insceredle

(913): View more from Kansas

be there in 10

Fav 61 28046 1879
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.

Fav 29 10934 1623
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."

Fav 18 5962 3095
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party

Fav 23 7696 1516
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.

Fav 17 2526 5414
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"

Fav 21 7105 1841
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

And that worked?

(919): View more from North Carolina

9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.

Fav 70 14193 1980
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.

Fav 13 5026 3807
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.

Fav 20 1841 5859
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.

Fav 15 5012 1839
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

I checked into jail on foursquare

Fav 6 3324 1440
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!

Fav 26 13074 1764
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella

Fav 31 12931 1961
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...

Fav 21 7465 1538
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.

Fav 54 12864 2495
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.

Fav 42 2675 7587
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.

Fav 57 21184 1938
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.

Fav 16 11358 1470
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning

Fav 10 5125 1078
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"

Fav 17 5280 1295
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old

Fav 9 4790 1093
share tweet
(408): View more from California

Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?

Fav 67 2552 6502
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?

Fav 27 8182 1462
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick

Fav 5 5935 1317
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.

Fav 17 5459 1717
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.

Fav 19 7109 1533
share tweet
(408): View more from California

worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum

Fav 28 3200 9695
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.

Fav 12 7403 1714
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.

Fav 43 1509 9278
share tweet
(506): View more from New Brunswick

I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?

(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.

Fav 17 10942 1587
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.

Fav 40 5767 1869
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.

Fav 17 6315 1546
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them

Fav 41 15398 1597
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.

Fav 20 1565 5026
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.

Fav 20 11117 1676
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"

Fav 51 18396 1738
share tweet
(+49): View more from Germany

This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.

Fav 7 4134 1327
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly

Fav 19 1754 5886
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee

Fav 20 1293 3837
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone

Fav 25 6756 1418
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.

Fav 22 4414 1583
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...

Fav 10 5794 1407
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger

(708): View more from Illinois

You are the reason we need health care reform

Fav 55 3256 1324
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.

Fav 24 4731 1220
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.

Fav 35 9193 1514
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny

Fav 17 6902 1469
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.

Fav 35 7138 1412
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.

Fav 13 6633 1212
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome

Fav 12 6757 1343
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.

Fav 31 4364 2279
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long

Fav 31 7547 1221
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.

Fav 14 3938 1486
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.

Fav 27 1418 6533
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

Fav 120 28217 5130
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.

Fav 5 4938 1046
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things

Fav 7 3568 1256
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.

Fav 19 7262 1772
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.

Fav 13 6244 1299
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.

Fav 4 3840 1709
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.

Fav 30 5248 1128
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?

(1-512): View more from Texas

yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.

Fav 18 4121 997
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

This kid is drunk.

(410): View more from Maryland

I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.

Fav 6 8346 1330
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."

Fav 19 3871 1161
share tweet
(949): View more from California

i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit

Fav 13 3578 1361
share tweet
(650): View more from California

one two three fourrrrnication!

Fav 4 4008 973
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

it's 1 pm.

Fav 29 8909 1453
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day

Fav 6 5477 1045
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for

Fav 27 10632 1168
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila

Fav 24 1693 4136
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die

Fav 11 4413 1125
share tweet
(559): View more from California

You realize it's finals week?

(408): View more from California

Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.

Fav 19 6702 1284
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.

Fav 47 14831 2477
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?

Fav 37 6828 2217
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.

Fav 14 6575 1130
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.

(1-585): View more from New York

You are so irish.

Fav 19 7403 1255
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.

Fav 42 7143 2351
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.

Fav 31 6289 1298
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.

Fav 46 6426 9143
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was

Fav 58 17389 2470
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.

Fav 42 10353 2108
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.

Fav 14 8150 1264
share tweet
(650): View more from California

they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.

Fav 6 7883 1312
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.

Fav 26 6209 1654
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.

Fav 14 6240 1161
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.

Fav 11 3198 1065
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.

Fav 19 10027 1245
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.

(217): View more from Illinois

gotta love wednesdays

Fav 21 4406 1346
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow

Fav 13 5709 1428
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick

Fav 69 15076 4260
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty

Fav 19 1534 7158
share tweet
(580): View more from Oklahoma

That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.

Fav 77 2889 5231
share tweet
(949): View more from California

she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."

(949): View more from California

little did she know i was taping her the whole time.

Fav 53 9990 2916
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS

Fav 235 3690 4571
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"

(973): View more from New Jersey

What's this douchebags name?

(908): View more from New Jersey

Rob...

Fav 67 8122 4287
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology

Fav 10 5110 1110
share tweet
(818): View more from California

I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life

Fav 40 5303 914
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.

Fav 30 5344 1157
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.

Fav 634 6007 7001
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.

Fav 55 11140 3717
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them

Fav 41 4506 1860
share tweet