i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
