K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
