I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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