I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
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