Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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