Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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