Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
