we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
