i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
