On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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