im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
