my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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