yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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