Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
