just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
You've changed since you got that strap on
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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