So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
