note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
