I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
