It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
