well you can't waste a boner
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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