I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
