The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
