I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
