After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
