I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
