i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
