he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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