Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Randomize
