my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
My vagina just recognized that song.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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