You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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