girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
