What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
My dick has a subreddit
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
