I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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