remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
