things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
