i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
sarcasm needs its own font
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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