I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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