The brown eye won't let me do that either.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
