There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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