Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
