quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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