Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
